Painful night of Mainstream Film
So, I just got back from mainstream movie night. It doesn't happen that often, but occasionally, the missus and I will go out and watch what Hollywood wants us to watch. No "Donnie Darko", no "Equilibrium". This is just a night to watch the kind of mindless pap that Hollywood has been gleefully spooning out.

We always go to the Alamo Drafthouse, because they've built one near us, and it's always a great experience. For those who don't live in Austin (which is to say, nearly everyone), I should let you know that the Alamo Drafthouse is the single coolest movie experience you can have. They have all kinds of promotions (like, everybody gets a free beanie cap if they come to the opening night for "The life Aquatic"). They show avant-guarde stuff (like a montage movie called "The 100 greatest kills" which features 100 movie film deaths). Best thing about the Alamo Drafthouse is taken from a line in Pulp Fiction,

"Well, in Amsterdam, you can buy beer in a movie theatre. And I don't mean in a paper cup either. They give you a glass of beer, like in a bar."

At the Alamo, you can have pizzas, beer, wine, cheesesticks, deserts, and a movie. It's just all kinds of cool.

The very first time I went to the Alamo drafthouse was when I was on a job interview for Kinesoft, and the lead programmer took me to see "Fight Club" at the Alamo. At least, I think it was "Fight Club". Either way, I'm straying from the point.

Tonight, we were able to see these hallowed halls profaned by "Flight of the Phoenix" and "Ocean's 12". Wow. I mean, really, wow. I've seen worse films, and that's about as kind as I can be.

[ spoilers follow ]

Let's start with Ocean's 12 (about the worst movie sequel title possible, I suppose we can expect to see Seth Green in Ocean's 13?). I remember Ocean's 11 was pretty bad, largely due to the almost unbelievable theft plans. However, it did have one saving grace in that the interpersonal relationships were very strong, and they evolved in the course of the film.

None of that in Ocean's 12. We have apparently added Catherine Zeta Jones and Bernie Mac to the cast, and by having such a huge ensemble cast, everybody gets no lines. This is really a movie about Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta Jones, and George Clooney. Everyone else is a walk-on.

Bernie Mac is especially underused, and I have to thank the filmmakers for that. Check this out, Bernie Mac gets five times as many lines as Eddie Izzard, but Izzard shines over Mac. How is that possible? One of them is a stand-up comic, actor, and genuinely funny person. The other is Bernie Mac.

However, that is probably the only kindness the filmmakers deserve. The storyline is atrocious, the characters are either two-dimensional or bored silly. Brad Pitt and George Clooney sit and look bored through most of the film. The only scene that has any energy in it is when (and it pains me even to relate this concept to you), Tess (played by Julia Roberts) creates a distraction by pretending to be the famous movie star, JULIA ROBERTS! Get that? The only scene with any energy to it is the one where Julia Roberts pretends that she's meeting Bruce Willis for the first time, and she's pretending to be Julia Roberts. Seriously, it was painful to watch.

I mean, once you've broken down the fourth wall there, why not just go all the way, have Bruce Willis turn to the others and say, "Wait a minute, you look just like that kid from 'Good Will Hunting'! And you over there, weren't you in 'The United States of Leland'? And my God! You're comedy legend, Carl Reiner, aren't you?"

Pathetic.

Moving on to "Flight of the Phoenix", I honestly don't think it was as bad as "Ocean's 12". It was pretty bad though. From simple logic problems (like, "I found bullet casings next to a man's corpse. He must have been used for target practice." If they were using him for target practice, the shells would have been at some distance away from the body, wouldn't they? Not much practice shooting a guy who's half a foot away from you.) to much larger story problems (like all of them getting shot at while hanging onto a wing, and nobody getting hit, or having them doing stunts with an experimental mock-up of a plane).

Probably the thing that bothers me the most was the IPod commercial. Now first, let me say, I love IPods and I love Apple for making them. They make it really easy to carry what feels like an infinite supply of music with you. However, this is the second movie where I've seen a really blatant IPod commercial.

In Blade:Trinity, we find out that the girl from Seventh Heaven likes to listen to hard rock while she kills Vampires. It's not like you need to hear them sneaking up on you or anything.

You know that scene where they do extreme zooms on a team as they get their gear ready? We see Wesley Snipes sharpen the blades of his Katanas, we see the "Van Wilder" guy loading clips in his nine, and we see Jessica Biel messing with ITunes so that she has just the right playlist for that night's hunt. It makes a person cringe.

In "Flight of the Phoenix" we are treated to a scene where the whole crew dance to "Hey-Ya" while fixing up the plane. It's not quite the worst scene in the movie, but it still makes a person cringe. I was fully expecting something like this:

"We're lost in the desert, with almost no water or food. All our flashlights have gone out, but the IPod batteries still crank out the fresh tunes!"
"You're right. And as long as we've got this party started, I should tell everyone that I found a cache of ice cold refreshing Pepsi in the plane!"
"Woo-hoo! You're right! This is gonna be some par-tay!!"

I think the thing that really bothered me about "Flight of the Intruder" was the lack of Karma. They've got a character in there who is genuinely vile. I mean, totally lacking in kindness, charity, human decency, anything. He's so broadly drawn, that he's almost a Montgomery Burns, cartoon villain. You have to assume he's the bad guy, and will get what's coming to him.

However, by the end of the film, they only show that all people can get together. They teach that heroes can work with total bastards to make a better life for everyone. By the end of it, I felt cheated that the nameless Asians didn't kill him (I can't come up with a better name for them, because the movie didn't think it was important enough to identify the largest potential threat to our heroes.)

Now here's the weird part. I love it when people throw out cliches and conventions, and make movies more spontaneous, original, and alive. Therefore, this slight deviation from the standard, this lack of Karmic retribution, should please me greatly. But the thing is, it pissed me off because I wasn't in the arthouse mindset. If you're going to do a truly artistic movie, then yes, throw out conventions with abandon. If, on the other hand, you are going to make a standard Hollywood crap film, you'd better stick to the cliches, or everyone will get mad.

When I walked into that theater, I made a deal with the movie makers. We may not have discussed it, but I agreed not to argue about the incredible story gaffes, plot flaws, bad writing, or any of that. In exchange, I expect the good guys to win, the bad guys to lose, some minor plot twist that I could see coming a mile away, and lots of pretty explosions.

Somehow, the fact that they broke our unspoken contract was the biggest problem with an otherwise barely passable movie.

Sorry about this long post, I just had to get it out of my head.
- posted by BrandG @ 12:09 AM