The Chick-Can
I swear, I can spend all day having fun in a Wal-Mart. Okay, here's something I found hanging from one of the aisles.


Welcome to Texas

That's right, it's the household appliance no domestic engineer should be without! The ChickCAN rack! Finally, there's a rack that can codify the process of humiliating and defiling one of Gods creatures as much as possible.

As the instructional image pornographically shows, the chicken can be cooked or grilled while being sodomized by a beverage of your choice. The ChickCAN manufacturers are obviously recommending their favorite beverage, "Beer".



In the picture, the bird even seems resigned to her fate, arms hanging disconsolately by her sides, she just seems to be saying, "Yes, that's right. Get a good look at a chicken with a beer can up it's ass."

I picture a bunch of rednecks standing around the grill, trying to get the beer basted flavor throughout the chicken. They're standing around, trying to stand the can on the grill, while balancing a chicken on it. They push the can further up inside the chicken, burning themselves on the grill, and swearing at the bird. Then one of them throws down the humiliated bird and says, "Gol-darn it! There's jus' gotta be a better way!"



Then suddenly, a voice from off-camera says, "Now there is!" They all turn to look at one guy, clean-shaven, masculine and rugged. In his hand he's holding a metal contraption that looks like it could muzzle a bear.

He strides purposefully forward, takes the beer can in one hand, and shoves it into the contraption. Quick reaction shot of the other rednecks "Oooh!"

Then, he grabs the chicken, violates it with his invention, and stands the bird up on the grill. In this commercial, the CG-rendered chicken seems absolutely blissful, while doing a little dance on the grill, and giving the rednecks a thumbs up (using the end of it's stunted, plucked wing as it's thumb).

Next, we jump to a graphic scientific demonstration of how the ChickCAN helps get beer flavor all through the bird, with cute little arrows to show where the beer vapor goes.

That brings up another point. Somewhere, there's an artist who was told, "For this project, I want you to draw a picture of a plucked chicken, with a beer can . . . um . . . inserted in it." How do you sit down at the drafting table, look up at the Frank Frazetta prints and the Salvador Dali posters that you have hanging over your work area, and think to yourself, "Okay, I should start the sketch with the beer can. It's the center of the piece. I'm going to need the blue 3mm pencil to start sketching."

I imagine this wasn't the only image they created. The artist probably did a couple of them. The first few, that showed juices dripping down the beer can, were probably cut because they were a little too "suggestive".

"Grabbing a chicken leg in each hand, plunk the bird cavity over the beer can."

That little nugget of wisdom came from the recipe for "Beer Can Chicken" Brought to us by the Food Network.

Enjoy.

- posted by BrandG @ 1:42 AM