Tony Robbins and my Dogs.
So, I have two competitive dogs. One has been described by outside observers as "highly food motivated". The other one is just the alpha dog, so she has to work harder to prove her social superiority. This proves that there are intricate levels of social bullshit in the lower animals. Surely there's a scientist proving this somewhere. ( I picture Sigourney Weaver as the scientist who lives with dogs in a backyard for a year "Doggies in the Dew")

Anyway, so the rules for leftover food are simple. Try to make two equal portions, then put one plate in front of each dog. This works pretty well, unless you are talking about giving them the plastic container that previously held a TV dinner. If you have two dinners, you're cool. If you have one, then Oh Baby, it's ON!!

If either of them hears you walking to the kitchen, she will start running. The other one will hear the first dog's collar, and it will start running too. Then, you've got both of them in the kitchen, looking soulfully up at you. I'd swear they suck in their guts too look like they're starving.

So there you are, with one plastic dish (coated lightly with imitation Alfredo sauce and a sad, listless noodle) and two dogs who will each gladly smack the other one down for a sniff of the dish. You start to put the dish down, thinking that one of them will take the initiative, but they step up in unison, even putting their heads next to each other as they close in on the dish. You straighten up, still holding the dish, as you start fearing that you might not get your hand back. Then, at the last second, you drop it, letting the chips fall where they may, and hoping you won't have to hose them down.

But there's another way around it. Sneaky, cowardly, but it works. You walk slowly, quietly, to the kitchen, maybe letting one dog see you. When you reach the kitchen, you drop the dish for that first dog, and offer the fork to the other dog when she gets there. The fork is almost a humiliating insult of a leftover. As you hold the implement out to the dog, she will stare at you with an incredulous sneer, and maybe give the fork a halfhearted lick.

This is a cheap way of giving away leftovers. It's not fair, because both dogs don't get equal shares of the leftovers. However, I like to justify it by using the Tony Robbins type of philosophy:

The winner is usually the one who shows up.
-Tony Robbins (I think)

See, this is wonderful, because I can blame my cowardice on my dog's lack of assertiveness. Now, I don't have to be a leader, because I can blame others for not being leaders themselves! This makes it easy for me to make decisions, because I can just delegate it to a ThunderDome-esqe competitive process.

Dogs understand Tony Robbins. They never worry about things that they've missed out on, they fight tooth and nail for what they want, and they sleep the rest of the time. Dogs leave no room for interpretation in their wishes. That's why so many dogs are captains of industry.

Man, I'd make a great capitalist!


- posted by BrandG @ 12:49 PM